Specialists answer etiquette questions to help party goers, celebrants
Tables filled with plants are ready for a reception, courtesy of Lasting Impressions.
Photo / Hannah Cessna Photography
By Lydia Kacala
When planning for major life event celebrations, situations can arise that may be difficult to navigate. However, to get to the big day and ensure everything runs smoothly, these situations must be considered and handled thoughtfully.
To help with those tricky questions this party season, Celebrations reached out to a couple of local event planning professionals and asked their advice on some of the biggest issues guests and celebrants run into.
Denise Rosby, owner and event planner at Annie Rose Events, LLC in New Albany, and Ryan Harmon, director of sales at Lasting Impressions in Cleveland, give their opinions on five etiquette questions. Their responses have been edited for clarity and brevity.
Harmon
My cousin is having a destination wedding abroad next year. While I’d love to go, I’m not sure it’s how I want to be spending my money. How do I justify either spending so much or skipping it?
Harmon: I think the first thing is, when people decide to have a destination wedding, they’re very well aware that not every guest that they invite is going to be able to attend – whether for time off of work, which is a big one, but also the financial burden that it could put on someone. If the expense of attending that wedding is a burden on you, I think it’s important to prioritize your budget and the rest of your life and opt not to go. If it’s your cousin, your close-knit cousin, have that conversation. Just be overly candid with them and let them know that you’ve considered it, but you have constraints because of a financial or time commitment and are unable to attend due to those. Let them know that you’re supportive of their marriage and you hope to see them when they come back – maybe have a nice, small dinner upon their return to show your support for them. Find a unique way to celebrate their special day.
Rosby: Honesty is always the key in all relationships, all friendships and all family. Be honest with yourself – can you spend the money and if you do, will you regret it? And if you cannot spend the money and if it’s too much of a stress, just call your cousin up and say, ‘Listen, as much as I love you, I am not able to attend.’ Then, give them a nice card, give them a nice gift. I think it’s better than having frustration in the future, especially with family.
My son’s bar mitzvah is coming up and I’d like to invite friends of ours who are in the process of getting divorced. We are family friends with both members of the divorcing couple and would like to have them both there but realize that might be awkward or they may not both want to come. How do I navigate inviting them both and showing respect during their difficult time?
Harmon: This is a one-time, couple-hour event that they’re navigating. There are other milestones and other events they’re going to be navigating together. You have to have some sympathy, empathy and understanding. Express that you would like them both to attend and let them know that you’ve invited both. I think being very transparent and upfront and managing expectations is huge in this situation. Let them know that their presence is welcome, but also if they choose not to come, it won’t be held against them.
Let them know the reason they’re being invited is not to mend fences at that event or have some drawn-out war, but to celebrate your son’s bar mitzvah. Mitzvahs, there are usually hundreds of people, so they’re not going to be right on top of one another.
Rosby: I’m going back to honesty. Just be honest with both parties – invite them both and tell them, “You are both our friends, you are both connected to us, I’m inviting you both.” That is not their problem, that is not their situation. Their situation is that they’re (both your) friends, and I would just navigate it that way. It’s really the responsibility of the divorced couple to show respect at the event. Be honest, and that removes you from that stress of trying to people please and be in the center of any stress. It’s (your child’s) special day and it’s not fair to put that stress on someone.
I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding in Detroit, and the same weekend I was invited to another wedding in Philadelphia. I am attending the one I am in the wedding party for, but I’m bummed I’m missing another friend’s wedding and wondering if I should take that into account when buying a gift? Should I spend more because I’m missing it, or less because they’re not paying for my attendance?
Harmon: It depends on your relationship with that friend. If it’s a closer friend, you might take a little more consideration with the amount of money you spend. If there’s a meaningful gift or something that really relates to the couple, that, I think, speaks more than the dollar amount. Gifts, the sentiment behind them and being thoughtful far outweighs any amount of money you can spend. Again, you can do something with them if you meet up with them, whether they come to your city or you go to their city. There are definitely ways to do things post-wedding, but I don’t think that you should spend more or spend less because of that. You should just really find something that is within your budget, within your means, and is still heartfelt and sentimental.
Table settings for a celebration dinner by Lasting Impressions.
Photo / Hannah Cessna Photography
Rosby: You don’t need to spend more if you’re not attending it. Everyone loves to get a gift and (you) can put a nice note in the card and say, ‘Hey, I’m so sorry. I’ve already had a prior commitment.’ Keeping her commitment is key. Make a special note and give her something off her registry. The happy couple is going to always remember where they got the gift from, not how much they spent.
What is the etiquette for requesting songs during the party? I love making recommendations and dancing to them, but don’t want to overwhelm the DJ or ask them to play something the hosts feel is inappropriate.
Harmon: A part of an event, a wedding especially, is that dancing element. Most couples are going to hire a DJ that they feel comfortable with, who knows how to work a crowd, who knows how to get that energy going. A lot of times there’s a standard playlist that DJs have for a specific type of event, so a wedding or a mitzvah, and those are crowd-pumping anthems. And, a lot of times a couple is giving their ‘do not play lists’ to the DJ, as well. So, I think keeping that in mind, there are going to be certain songs that you request that the DJ has been told by the party host not to play for a variety of reasons. Typically, go up to the DJ and ask how they would like you to request a song and then request it in that fashion, but don’t be bummed if it’s not the next song or something played at all or if it’s mixed into a different song. The DJ is working that energy and reading the room, and keep in mind that not every song you request and not every version of every song request is going to be something that the DJ is either able to access or able to play. And, your three-minute song, while it’s important to you, there’s going to be how many hours of dancing and other songs to be played.
Centerpieces of white roses complete a table, courtesy of Lasting Impressions.
Photo / Hannah Cessna Photography
Rosby: Every couple is different. Sometimes, a couple will say they do not take requests from the guests. Oftentimes, a couple will have a “do not play list” and then a “yes” playlist. We go through all of that during the planning. They will write it down and send it to the DJ so the DJ will know.
If they do not allow taking requests, which is easiest, the DJ will have to say, “Oh, I’m not able to play that.” So it’s easiest to not take requests, but oftentimes they do, and it’s fun and it gets the crowd out there. The guest can go up to the DJ and say, ‘Hey, I’d like to make a request.’ The DJ’s responsibility is to say, ‘Listen, we do not take requests at this time,’ or ‘Hey, perfect, that will work.’ It’s really up to the couple if they allow requests or not.
How do you actually enforce a phone-free celebration? We are very sure we want no phones out or cellphone photos taken during a family ceremony in a few months, but whenever I see this rule on invitations, people are still on their phones – like they’ve forgotten or just don’t care. Is there a way to properly initiate this rule and enforce it as politely as possible?
Harmon: The direction that we’re going into in today’s world is everyone wants to get instantaneous information. They want to be able to share that instantaneous information and create kind of that buzz on their social feeds, but I understand where a couple would be wanting to put that in place. Obviously, being transparent, managing expectations, putting on the invitation, and on the day of the ceremony on the directionals to the actual ceremony area, having a small sign that states that same sentiment. Maybe it’s also listed on the program, but before the wedding takes place, have the officiant just gently remind everyone in a polite fashion that this is a no-tech ceremony.
There are different things you can rent where you can have attendees put their phone in a sleeve. They can hold onto it – the little sleeve is locked so they can’t access it – and then upon the end of the ceremony, you can have a staff member, whether from the venue or from the planning side of it, unlock those pouches.
Rosby: In all honesty, what I’m going to tell you, is the answer is really no. I have done over 200 weddings and there is no way to get everyone to completely comply. You just have to be patient. We can make announcements, they can have signs, but there’s always that one person. Sometimes, that one person will even stand with their phone even after the officiant has said, “Hey, this is a phone-free ceremony.” This is the situation and it’s frowned upon, but what can you do? As a wedding planner, I’m not going to walk down the aisle and tap them on the shoulder – unless they are being invasive, unless they are blocking a view – but I’m not going to tap them on the shoulder and say, “I’m sorry, would you put that away?”
It’s very difficult because oftentimes the weddings are big – 200, 300 people – and you just don’t know, but it’s proper etiquette that if you are asked to not have your phone out, that you put your phone away. Sometimes, you have a wonderful person who’s leading the wedding and they will say, ‘OK, everyone, get out your phones right now, take a picture, and then put it away.’ Most of the time, people really do respect the wishes of the couple, but it’s so difficult for everybody to comply.