By Lydia Kacala
In the midst of wedding season – typically from late spring to early fall – questions may arise as to how to go about certain scenarios popping up during the months leading up to the big day.
Following the “rules” of wedding etiquette may help you figure out what to do when faced with a problem you’re unsure how to handle. However, how can you follow the rules if it’s unclear what they are?
To help those planning weddings and those invited to attend the celebrations, Jstyle Weddings reached out to a couple local event planning professionals and asked some of our readers’ big questions. Whitney Neidus, general manager at StoneWater Golf Club in Highland Heights, and Chelsea Dettorre, senior event planner at A Charming Fête in Westlake, share their opinions on five etiquette questions. Their responses have been edited for brevity and clarity.
Am I required to make a registry for my wedding? There’s nothing we really need, and I’d love to just accept cash, honeymoon and home funds, or not require gifts at all.
Dettorre: Having a wedding website is very helpful in many different ways – one being your registry. It is a polite way to let guests know that as much as you would love another frying pan, you would rather have cash for a future adventure. We have a lot of couples that also donate to charities along with a “honeymoon” fund.
Neidus: No, I don’t think you’re required to make a registry, but I think it’s really helpful for your guests so that they know what to get the happy couple.
The RSVP deadline for my wedding just passed and many people still have not responded. Isn’t that rude? How do I follow up politely when I think I shouldn’t have to?
Dettorre: This is a big issue. Many guests receive the invite and forget to reply or it gets lost in the mail. Reaching out to guests starting a week before the deadline is key. You can also follow up with them two to three days past your deadline. After that, it is acceptable to send out a “so sorry you cannot make it” in the mail. All vendors have deadlines – we like to keep ours three weeks out, and stick by that rule. You can always “blame” it on catering, they need the final numbers to order in the food and submit final payments. Be strict from the beginning with your timelines.
Neidus: Regardless of any event you’re planning, there’s always people that don’t respond. That’s just the nature of the game when you’re planning an event. You can, ever so nicely, shoot an email or a text and say “Hey, I wanted to follow up and see if you had a chance to check your calendar to see if you’re able to attend.”
My wedding is coming up in a few months and my fiance and I are so excited, but also very nervous about everything going well. Do you have any tips for what will prepare us enough so we feel confident and ready to have a great time with less stress?
Dettorre: Having a planner on your side to guide you is key. We use platforms to help you and always have timelines/deadlines. As long as you check off your to-dos, you are in good shape. Another big thing to keep you calm is not to listen to everyone else, and listen to what the experts have to say. Don’t procrastinate, it comes up fast. Breathe, relax and trust the process.
Neidus: There’s only so many things that we as humans can control. Things that we can’t control are weather, guests arriving late. It’s really best to focus on the happy day, on each other and not anything that could go wrong or could happen. It’s great to take a breath, slow it all down and enjoy each other.
I’ve already RSVP’d yes to a friend’s wedding but can no longer attend. Do I still send a gift? And how is the best way to communicate this to the couple?
Dettorre: I would just say that something came up and you are unable to make it. Make sure to let them know as soon as possible. Two weeks prior to the wedding, your names will still be on the seating chart and meals will still have to be paid for as many deadlines have passed. Send a card in the mail right away.
Neidus: It is my opinion that 100%, you should absolutely send a gift. Obviously things come up all the time, so call the couple and explain the situation. They are most likely still paying for you, even if you cancel, depending on how far out it is, so the appropriate thing is to send a gift.
When does an etiquette rule really matter, and when is it worth having a conversation with someone to potentially break it when it comes to weddings? There are so many “rules,” but I feel like everyone takes them with a different level of seriousness and I’m curious as to whether there’s a rule of thumb for what actually matters.
Dettorre: There are a couple we follow – for vendors and for guests. A month out from the wedding, RSVPs are due. Three weeks out: seating is almost final, meals are in and all final counts are being accounted for. Two weeks out: everything is final for the wedding.
Please be on time for the wedding. We have a lot of guests who show up late, even if you put on the RSVP 15 minutes prior. Always bring a card – gifts are OK, too, but mostly a hassle at the end of the night. Please follow dress code listed on the invite.
The most golden rule is: It is about the couple. Friends and family tend to forget that. Give input if asked, but at the end of the day, it’s a suggestion.
Neidus: There’s different types of etiquette that are deal breakers. Cellphones should be turned off during a ceremony – it’s not appropriate if that goes off. Wedding attire should be followed, especially if on the invitation it specifies black tie or formal. There’s definitely times when it’s important to follow etiquette rules, it just depends on what the etiquette is at that moment. (JS)