Etiquette Explained

Wedding professionals answer your biggest questions in preparation for the big day.

By Lydia Kacala

Every wedding is different. However, there are some social rules and best practices to keep in mind throughout the planning process and on the big day. From navigating guest lists to handling bridal party drama, it’s not always just love and lace—weddings can get complicated fast.

To help uncover the best way to approach some potentially sticky situations, Jstyle spoke with two local event planning professionals and asked their advice on how to handle difficult situations as wedding season is in full swing.

Savanna Jaynes, owner and lead planner at Savvy Jane Planning in Canton, and Kim Singerman, owner of Noteworthy Events in Solon, answer six questions about wedding etiquette. Their responses have been edited for clarity and brevity.

How should I address a guest who wants to bring a plus-one when one wasn’t offered?

Jaynes: This is difficult for every couple who I come in contact with, and surprisingly it happens more often than you would think. The best route that I recommend to make sure you don’t come off as rude is explaining that your venue only holds a certain amount of people, and certainly you would love to include a plus one, but are not able to. 

And then, if they’re still hesitant, which typically doesn’t happen, or they’re still asking, “Well can I please bring my boyfriend?” I recommend saying, “Well, let us get through this list and if we have extra room, we certainly can take that as an option.” Typically if you say you were limited in space for the venue, this is a pretty nice way to work around explaining why you’re unable to accommodate a plus one.

Singerman: I would explain to them in a in a nice way that you’re limited to the number of guests, and so, unfortunately, you’re unable to extend an additional invite. It’s a no-no for someone to ask for that, so I think a definite ‘no’ is acceptable.

I need to essentially “fire” one of my bridesmaids. Without getting into the weeds of it, it’s a bad fit and not good for our friendship to keep her in the wedding. How do I go about this? I still want to be friends with her.

Jaynes: If they do want to still have some sort of relationship, honesty is the best answer. I highly recommend in person – nothing over text or email or a phone call – to just let them know that you still want them there, but are allowing them to enjoy the wedding a little bit more, less photos, less important roles to make the day run a little bit more smoothly. I recommend something in person, so no lines are blurred and things come out how you want them to.

Singerman: I would sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation explaining how much that bridesmaid means to you and how grateful you are for the relationship. You need to go into it trying to be positive versus negative. I would also keep it simple and explain that you’ve unfortunately had to make some logistical and personal decisions and you won’t be able to have her as a bridesmaid. Tell her that this is not a reflection on your friendship, which is a little tricky, but I think in order to resolve the issue, you come up with another way that she could participate in the wedding, whether it’s a reading or doing something else to have her involved in some capacity. Hopefully that will make her feel better about the situation.

How can I honor a loved one who passed away before the wedding without dampening the mood?

Jaynes: I see this happen all the time. I have a few couples who have parents who have passed away but want to make sure they’re present. I’ve seen where there is a chair upfront during the ceremony with a photo of them and a beautiful bouquet of flowers, just to acknowledge their presence. One of my favorite things is if you have a special song with that person, have the DJ play that song and give it a shout-out to honor their memory. Then, invite your family onto the dance floor to join you.  You’re still having fun, but you can think of that person being there on your wedding day. Anything with song always brings the mood up.

Singerman: This is a pretty common issue. A lot of people today will have a memory table – it has become very popular to have that at the wedding reception. Sometimes it’s a table or it can also be a stylized shelving unit with additional florals and candles. It can be a very pretty place to put picture frames of the deceased, who are unable to attend the wedding. 

It’s common for people to mention these loved ones in their ceremony program and, when it’s a very close loved one, leaving a single rose on an empty chair during the ceremony. This is done for both families.

Is it customary for the bride to pay for hair and makeup for her wedding party, or do bridesmaids typically have to pay for their own?

Jaynes: I see this happening about 50/50 both ways. Most wedding parties have been in other weddings and don’t need another glass or mug that says their friend’s wedding date on it. So, I recommend if you want to give them a gift, to pay for either their hair or makeup, or their dress. This always helps. 

I would say it’s customary to probably pay for one of the beauty options, whether that be hair or makeup, and then make the other one optional. That’s probably the most popular option that I see and definitely helps your close friends financially.

Singerman: I think it depends on the wedding and the budget. The circumstances of that wedding will determine who pays. Sometimes a bride will gift one or both of the services to her bridesmaids, which is a really nice gesture, but not a requirement.

What is the rule for what side to sit on at a wedding? How does the host communicate that it’s open seating or you are expected to sit on one side or the other?

Jaynes: This has been changing rapidly. I have seen that the groom side has actually been sitting on the opposite side, so they would be able to see everyone’s faces, which is kind of kind of neat. So, the mother of the bride would sit on the groom side technically, but she would then see her daughter’s face through the ceremony. 

When it comes to guests, I highly recommend having ushers. This way, if you want very traditional seating, having people sitting on designated sides, they would be able to not only direct them to which side to sit on, but also to make sure that your rows are filled, especially near the aisle so that your photos look like you have a full crowd of people with no blank spots. This will have everything running smoothly, but it will also give, let’s say your sibling or an uncle, an aunt, or that random relative or friend you want to incorporate in the wedding, it would give them a nice job to do.

Singerman: That rule doesn’t exist anymore, at least not in my world. With the exception of reserve serve seating for close family, I always tell guests to sit wherever they’re most comfortable.

I have so many weddings, showers and other formal parties this year, but I really don’t want to buy like 10 new dresses. Do I have to buy a new dress for each fancy event in the same friend group?

Jaynes: I have personally had this problem because I was in eight weddings one year, and especially as a girl, all of these showers and bachelorette trips really add up. If it’s the same friend group, I recommend just trading dresses amongst all of you if that’s possible. And yes, you can reuse some of your items. Most people are not going to notice. 

But, one of my favorite ways to have some options without filling your closet or breaking the bank is using these rental websites. One of my favorites is called Rent The Runway, where you can go and explore different luxury designer dresses that are great for black tie weddings, and you can rent them for the weekend. I use this all the time personally. It’s a great option and takes out the process of buying the dress and reselling it or filling up your closet.

Singerman: The great thing about dresses is that you can dress them up or dress them down by changing shoes and accessories, depending on whatever that recommended attire is. You can restyle a few out of those outfits or dresses, so you can wear them multiple times. Another option is people sometimes rent clothing. You could rent a fabulous dress as opposed to purchasing one. 

Publisher’s Note: Kim Singerman is married to Paul Singerman, immediate past board chair of the Cleveland Jewish Publication Company.